Welcome everyone to a new episode of the Green Pill Secret, produced right here in Reston, VA. This week is based on a book we once read in The Science Book Club. In that meeting, we discussed Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love, by Dr. Amir Levine, MD and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.

The basic idea of the book is to define each of us in terms of 3 broad and sometimes overlapping categories:

• Secure Attachment
• Anxious Attachment
• Avoidant Attachment

The idea here is a secure attachment type is confident in their relationship and trusting of their partner, having faith that their love is reciprocated. Meanwhile, an anxious attachment type is constantly afraid that they are about to lose their partner, and need regular reassurances that their partner still loves them. Finally, the avoidant attachment type is someone who brushes off signs of affection directed toward them. They generally take their partners for granted and are aloof to their partners needs. However, when their partner is seeming to have had the last straw of neglect thrown at them, the avoidant partner often suddenly changes and becomes very conciliatory, trying to keep the relationship going.

Now, attachment types are not absolute. Someone who’s avoidant may still have some traits which are secure, or even anxious. Likewise, an anxious attachment may have a kernel of secure attachment in them. And, more importantly, ones attachment type can change over time.

I like to use the personal example of my first (and only thus far) marriage. When I entered into that relationship at 25, I was very anxious, having spent the previous decade of my life asking out girls and getting repeatedly rejected. Meanwhile, I know can see my ex-wife has some traits of an avoidant attachment type. Sadly, this dynamic of Anxious with Avoidant is all too common, and oftentimes an Anxious individual will be drawn to the Avoidant partner because the Avoidant partner is recapitulating past trauma of rejection and neglect which caused the anxiousness in the first place.

Now, that said, I’m a lot older than 25 now and it took years of therapy and self-reflection for me to realize I was someone special in my own unique way—as are all of you!—and it was through that realization I was able to break the curse of Anxious Attachment and become more Secure in my attachment style. I’m able to set boundaries and have self-worth to know that I do deserve to be happy and deserve to be loved. I can have faith in myself, and as a more secure attachment type I can help someone who’s anxious to see value within themselves, and be strong enough to notice avoidant behavior and not put up with it, demanding dialog to resolve the constant yoyoing of love and neglect.

Finally, although I say in the video that the avoidant / anxious trap is one you should consider exiting and breaking up, please understand I’m saying this would be best for me. It is possible for an anxious and avoidant partner to become more secure, it just takes more time. But if you’re willing to put in the effort, more power to you! What was true for me, it may not be true for you!

Anyway, thank you for joining me this week as I discuss Attachment Types!