Throughout my long marriage, one of my biggest issues was feeling unwanted. This is of course strange because I know she wanted me as her husband but the way she showed me that desire was via control and restrictions, not through acts of physical intimacy, which is how many see the pinnacle of romantic appreciation. My point is, I kept waiting for some sign of eagerness, not just simple consent. And when I didn’t see that excitement I just couldn’t see myself getting into it enough to be physically arroused.

For the longest time, I felt this way but never could put it into words. Then I read Dr. Emily Nagoski‘s Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. That’s where I learned the terms Enthusiastic Consent and Sexual Concordance. Enthusiastic Consent is a perfect life’s mantra in almost every situation, and Sexual Concordance is typified by the body being aligned with the mind. By contrast, one example of discord is a woman being intimately moist but not interested in physical intimacy, mentally. In this case, there will be no enthusiasm, nor any consent, and so that external manifestation is most emphatically not an invitation. Dr. Nagoski doesn’t talk much about male Sexual Concordance in that book but for men, clearly discord is something which happens, be it for young men, who engorge despite the situation not calling for it, or older men, who are really happy to be there, but are unable to stiffen.

While we skirt around the specifics of intimate enthusiastic consent in this episode, in an upcoming episode, Sex Talk 1, we will go into more detail. In the meantime, please enjoy my friend Cat hosting this wonderfully informative discussion.