Tag: Anxious Attachment

The Green Pill Secret: Attachment Types

TimeHorse April 3, 2025 No Comments

Welcome everyone to a new episode of the Green Pill Secret, produced right here in Reston, VA. This week is based on a book we once read in The Science Book Club. In that meeting, we discussed Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love, by Dr. Amir Levine, MD and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.

The basic idea of the book is to define each of us in terms of 3 broad and sometimes overlapping categories:

  • Secure Attachment
  • Anxious Attachment
  • Avoidant Attachment

The idea here is a secure attachment type is confident in their relationship and trusting of their partner, having faith that their love is reciprocated. Meanwhile, an anxious attachment type is constantly afraid that they are about to lose their partner, and need regular reassurances that their partner still loves them. Finally, the avoidant attachment type is someone who brushes off signs of affection directed toward them. They generally take their partners for granted and are aloof to their partners needs. However, when their partner is seeming to have had the last straw of neglect thrown at them, the avoidant partner often suddenly changes and becomes very conciliatory, trying to keep the relationship going.

Now, attachment types are not absolute. Someone who’s avoidant may still have some traits which are secure, or even anxious. Likewise, an anxious attachment may have a kernel of secure attachment in them. And, more importantly, ones attachment type can change over time.

I like to use the personal example of my first (and only thus far) marriage. When I entered into that relationship at 25, I was very anxious, having spent the previous decade of my life asking out girls and getting repeatedly rejected. Meanwhile, I know can see my ex-wife has some traits of an avoidant attachment type. Sadly, this dynamic of Anxious with Avoidant is all too common, and oftentimes an Anxious individual will be drawn to the Avoidant partner because the Avoidant partner is recapitulating past trauma of rejection and neglect which caused the anxiousness in the first place.

Now, that said, I’m a lot older than 25 now and it took years of therapy and self-reflection for me to realize I was someone special in my own unique way—as are all of you!—and it was through that realization I was able to break the curse of Anxious Attachment and become more Secure in my attachment style. I’m able to set boundaries and have self-worth to know that I do deserve to be happy and deserve to be loved. I can have faith in myself, and as a more secure attachment type I can help someone who’s anxious to see value within themselves, and be strong enough to notice avoidant behavior and not put up with it, demanding dialog to resolve the constant yoyoing of love and neglect.

Finally, although I say in the video that the avoidant / anxious trap is one you should consider exiting and breaking up, please understand I’m saying this would be best for me. It is possible for an anxious and avoidant partner to become more secure, it just takes more time. But if you’re willing to put in the effort, more power to you! What was true for me, it may not be true for you!

Anyway, thank you for joining me this week as I discuss Attachment Types!

The Green Pill Secret: Your Inner Critic

TimeHorse October 6, 2024 2 Comments

As some of you may know, I have been going to therapy on-and-off for a number of years. The main reason for this because, like many young men of today, I left college with nothing, and couldn’t get a date to save my life. When I finally did find someone who would date me, I clung on as if my life depended on it. In hindsight I know this was unhealthy, but I also recognize as a neglected child and baby, according to my parents, that it’s no wonder I have abandonment issues and historically had a Anxious Attachment style. Of course, naturally I was most attracted to rejecting women who recapitulated my childhood neglect and finally married someone with an Avoidant Attachment style. Therapy has helped me get through this, and helped me stop hating myself and helped me become someone who is more secure in his attachment.

Now, I’m hoping to do into more depth on Attachment Styles in a subsequent episode, as well as therapy, but this week, my wonderful friend Cat returns for the first of 6 topics of discussion. This week, it’s all about that Inner Critic. That inner critic who makes me think no woman will ever find me attractive because of all my recent and historical romantic failures. That inner critic who makes me think I’m not a real cosplayer because I don’t make my own outfits. That inner critic who says I’m an awful composer. That inner critic who says I’m never going to be a pilot after two and a half decades of trying. That inner critic who tells me I can’t deliver a good speech. Celle critique de la interior que dit que je ne parle pas français, oder Deutsch, o italiano, или русский, 日本語または 中文. That inner critic who says I’m a failed Physicist because McGill didn’t even give me credit for the 3 years I studied the discipline. That inner critic who reminds me I’m a software engineer without a job. And that goddamn inner critic that reminds me I’m not a successful author because I’ve only had a few of my short stories published and I’ll never be as successful as Stephen King, or even Nev Fountain or Martin Wilsey.

Now, should you always ignore your inner critic because it’s shit-talking you? By all means, no! The critic is there to keep you from embarrassment. But sometimes, when you’re constantly rejected romantically, and having trouble finding the time to finish the first draft of your novel, and realizing how long it’s been and you still don’t have a pilot’s licence, or your sewing machine sits idle, don’t sweat it. Because I may not be the best, but have been on some successful dates, I do cosplay, I do write music, I am licensed to fly, I ran a great Toastmasters last Thursday, I practice my linguistic skills when I travel, I run a science book club and have read over 100 science books, I’m a very skilled coder with sufficient clearances which make me expect I will have a new job soon, and I have my own Amazon page if you want to read some of my work. And I fight for the Equal Rights Amendment, for a National Popular Vote, and Electric Car access, especially for National Drive Electric Week!

And this channel, well, I hope it will grow too. I don’t mind only 10 subscribers oas of this writing. I’m happy that two of my shorts got over 150 views. So don’t let that Innere Critic Rule you, making you fall into self-sabotaging behaviors. Control your Inner Critic, and just don’t let it control you!