The sun went down the sky. Way up high, the clouds told me that they knew.
Harrison, George, “Tired of Midnight Blue”, Extra Texture: Read All About It, 1975 LP.
Today was one of those days that could have gone better, but with so many people asking for interviews, it was hard to focus on my TED Talk for an interview. I had anticipated how difficult it would be to give an extemporaneous speech with so little time to plan it, but so be it. I tried to keep the entire morning free, but one interview moved from Wednesday to Tuesday, squeezing me ever further.
In the end, I failed, and I accept that. I don’t know what turned my interviewers off, but I have other job opportunities I’ve just this evening so I’m just going to move on and forget about all the effort I put into that position. After all, I did just sign two memo to accept a pending offer so it’s not like I have nothing to fall back on. And, who knows, maybe they wouldn’t offer me enough money anyway.
I’m just tired. Tired of sleepless nights, of midnight blue. And as I love that obscure George Harrison song, from the obscure solo album Extra Texture: Read All About It, I could think of no more appropriate way to express my mood. The song is deep and sorrowful, steeped with lament to a almost jazzy-blues beat.
The sun came into view. As I sat with the tears in my eyes.
Harrison, George, “Tired of Midnight Blue”, Extra Texture: Read All About It, 1975 LP.
Tomorrow will be a new day, and who knows what it will bring. Sometimes, I think about the pain the Hypochondriac causes me. The hours I had to spend, insult after insult, belittlement and cruel advice. How I long to be with someone who appreciated me and all I try to do. Because, in the end, I’m Tired of Midnight Blue.
Extra Texture: Read All About It, the 1975 Solo Album by George Harrison
Thanks for reading and next time won’t you sing along with me?
This morning, I had set up The Hourlings on Zoom early, before I went to bed, hoping, if I ran late, the meetup would already be set up, Marty would be early, and I could make him co-host in case I still needed time to read before we began at 10:00.
Instead, to my delight, my friend Cynthia was the first to log in around 09:30 and we had a few minutes to chat about life and her adorable Clove. I really admire Cynthia, or Max as she’s sometimes called. She writes some great LGBTQ literature and is a great guide of conscious for me. She’s also an ex-Marine. Sempre Fi, my friend!
Unfortunately, we couldn’t get her video working, so, thinking that it would be as simple as restarting the meeting, I did just that. She promptly requested to rejoin and I accepted, looking forward to continuing our conversation.
It failed.
We tried again. No dice. I created a new Zoom event. That didn’t work. I asked the account owner to try. Still no success. It was already 10:00 and almost everyone was waiting to get in. I accepted them all, but none of them could connect.
Finally, our unofficial moderator, Evan Friedman brought up an instance of Microsoft Teams. He, Marty, and I verified its feasibility a while ago, so I knew it could work and joined the Teams meeting. The nice thing is now Teams allows virtual backgrounds, which was cool. But, unfortunately, Teams was as wickedly hard to invite people into as before.
Meanwhile, Marty set up a Google Meet account. Back when we tried Google Meet before when I created a Google Apps account. Back then, you had to pay for a Google Meet account by having a Google Apps account, and the Google Meet didn’t have a grid view, however, it already accommodated a lot of people.
In the end, we went with Google Meet and decided to make that Meet event out official backup for whenever Zoom misbehaves again, though we shall still default to Zoom. Unfortunately, my nightmare hair isn’t hidden by Google Meet’s cameras like it is in Zoom, so I must have looked atrocious today. I wish the Hypochondriac would let me use my hair trimmer.
Google Meet
We found out during the meeting that we weren’t the only ones straining for Zoom capacity. Fortunately, there is a Zoom Status we can check the next time this happens, so we’re not left trying so hard to beat a dead TimeHorse. And the Zoom system was back up, just in time for us to finish our meeting.
Unfortunately, because of all the kerfuffle and notifications, I missed a 13:30 Zoom I was planning to attend. But at least I got to hang out with my fellow writers. Thank you for reading, and I should now get back to writing.
My Congresswoman, Jennifer Wexton, had a panel discussion on an topic that is very important to me. I remain scared in my situation not just because of the hypochondriac in my situation but also as I am unpaid next week. I have a second-line manager who is actively trying to fire me for being 75 minutes late when I was stuck in Ubers and Tesla was trying to bankrupt me. I am very stressed right now.
To be clear, my issue is just her having paranoia over SARS-CoV-2 combined with abusive “jealousy” that tries to keep me at home and under her finger which under the Shelter In Place. But my situation is not violent, and I will be alright. I am worried about the mainly women who are with male, physical abusers with no way out. So, please, forget what I’ve said about myself and let’s focus on the real problem here, when women are forced to be with their male abusers 24/7.
Jennifer is joined by Buta Biberaj, Saly Fayez, Mayra Jane Martinez, and Jonathan Yglesias. I was very happy to hear them mention the increased risk factors when an abuser is always home, and how folks who have English as a second language. It was great hearing how Law Enforcement is aware of these issues and are working hard to assess each situation individually and being very mindful of the increased dangers.
One thing I feel most acutely is the problem women face in terms worrying they don’t have enough money to leave. It’s most distressing that it’s money that binds a victim to her abuser, just as a diminishing savings account being the reason I’m stuck. Money has always been a problem for victims to leave, but in this case, her abuser may be unemployed or furloughed, and so money for the whole family is tighter than normal, making things all the more dangerous. What’s worse is with ACTS having to shut down shelters, and with social distancing, it’s been hard to find places to help women in need.
Another serious issues is, without physicians or schools to monitor children to detect child abuse, it means that child abuse is going on under the radar, and thus number are down but there’s no reason to assume incidents are also down.
I’m holding a virtual roundtable discussion on domestic violence during #COVID19 with law enforcement and local service providers.
Tune in right here on Facebook to join us for this important conversation⬇
Ladies, please be safe and know that there is hope, and there are people willing to help. Jennifer is right, you don’t have to live like this. Equal means equal, and we should all be equally free of abuse.
I haven’t been able to use the TeslaCam since 27 July 2019. That’s because, around TeslaOS 2019.28.1, Tesla broke most USB Sticks used for Dashcam functionality, because, it claimed, they were too slow.
Not having a DashCam and having such a mysterious and incomprehensible error—my USB stick was fast enough—I was afraid to buy a new USB stick to see if I could get it working again. For months I dithered on the issue, totally unsure what Tesla wanted, and wanting so badly not to waste money on a device that would fail with Tesla.
Compound that with, in December, 2019, thanks to an AutoPilot, #CO2Fre failed to stop when a vehicle with California plates cut me off by jumping into the exit lane ahead of me at the last minute, causing $4,000 worth of damage I can’t remotely afford to pay. The scratches, therefore, remain to this day. And as no solace, I don’t even have the Dashcam video to go over the details even if I wanted to make an Insurance claim. So, I have scratches but still no Dashcam.
Then TeslaOS 2020.12.5 came out, which added support for watching Dashcam videos within #CO2Fre. Since I had the time off thanks to Covidapolis, I decided to try again with the Dashcam, and found this neat video:
I didn’t have access to my car because of the hypochondriac until the day of my #CO2Fredemo. I plugged in the SanDisk drive with its USB-C to USB-A adaptor and… nothing. I had the drive plugged in, but no camera was showing, and I couldn’t show off any of the Dashcam features during my entire presentation, including Dashcam footage of the speed test on the main screen after I parked, despite having the drive plugged in. The demo still went well, but I’m annoyed how hard I tried to get this working and still failed.
Afterwards, I tried to play around some more. Doing so requires me to go through decontamination because, for some reason, the hypochondriac thinks #CO2Fre has SARS-CoV-2. Meaning, I have to keep changing my clothes every time I go to the car because sitting in my car contaminates my clothes.
The drive was exFAT, so I reformatted it as FAT32. The drive did flash on the screen after some cord giggling, but it said it wasn’t formatted properly despite having the TeslaCam folder and being named TeslaCam. Since I’ve read that Tesla supports exFAT, I formatted it back as that, and it sits now, unable to connect.
I also tried my MicroSD chip with an adaptor. Originally, the chip was supposed to be part of the Raspberry Pi, but I wanted to test to see if it could be used as the TeslaCam directly. No dice. I’d hook up the Raspberry Pi and try with that, but I have to finish updating my Résumé and fix my broken Zone File updater for Reston Writers first. I just have too much going on to worry about going any further with this nightmare of Tesla‘s.
The way I see it, the drive works in a PC, the drive works in a Mac, it just doesn’t work in #CO2Fre. When you’ve tried everything else, the simple answer it so blame Tesla. So, I made a Mobile Service Request and they should be here Friday morning.
Why must Tesla make this so hard!?!?
In any case, unless I find another set of clothes to wear, even without my Dashcam, I shall very much miss cruising on a cloud.
Last week I mentioned my struggles about eliminating the squeak from #CO2Fre. Then, of course, I was forced into a one-room cell as a hypochondriac put me into lockdown. On Sunday, I was released. I would say I finally had a clean bill of health but the truth is I was always healthy and just had to deal with irrationality. But that’s yesterday’s story and today I want to talk about how I wanted to finally pick up #CO2Fre… and couldn’t.
I got a ride to the Tyson’s Corner Service Center and used the Tesla app to find #CO2Fre. She was parked in the back, against the side of the building. I had to open it with my ancient iPhone 5S. We sanitized #CO2Fre and then my ride left. There was a large Tesla Model X in front of her. Much as I try to inch her out of the space, I can’t do it. I get within a couple centimeters of the car next to me only to have to give up as impossible.
I scanned the QR Code and indicated I was there for pickup. I also called Tesla and left a message. I told them I couldn’t move #CO2Fre and my key wasn’t inside. Then I asked my ride to return as I waited for the callback that never came. I figured it wouldn’t because it was Sunday, but then it never came on Monday either, so I was rather distressed.
Finally, I called them on Monday and they agreed to move #CO2Fre to an accessible area where I could pick her up Tuesday morning before opening. They also arranged where I could pick up the key. I just hope my ride wakes up in time. After all, she was also my jailer…
#CO2Fre was moved on Monday to a location where she could be safely retrieved and finally come home.
Hopefully soon, I can get back to cruising on a cloud.
This is going to be one of my hardest articles for me to write because it’s extremely personal. I covered this issue somewhat with my article about Sheltered in Place with a Domestic Abuser, but when you add in the paranoia of hypochondria, things get even darker. So, alas, I need to go deeper.
It’s also hard to justify my including myself in a post that is ostensibly categorized as Equal Right. After all, I am, quite frankly, not—nor could ever be—a cis-woman.
To be clear, when we talk about equal rights, we don’t mean that should apply to more men getting abused. Reducing abuse overall should be our goal. I do think, though, men are feeling more opened about admitting when something doesn’t feel right, when things go from simple disagreement to some of the hallmarks of abuse.
One caller to a domestic violence hotline reported that her husband threatened to throw her out into the street if she coughed. Another reported they had been strangled by their partner, but feared going to the hospital because of the threat of coronavirus. An immunocompromised man from Pennsylvania called in after his emotionally abusive girlfriend began hiding cleaning supplies and hand sanitizer from him.
Fielding, Sarah. “In quarantine with an abuser: surge in domestic violence reports linked to coronavirus.” The Guardian 3 Apr. 2020: Online.
I am very happy Ms. Fielding was able to show, what I consider hypochondriac controlling abuse, isn’t only affecting women. I feel for both the women is tossed onto the street with a cough, and even more for the one who was strangled (way to social distance, m*th*r f*ck*r!). But that poor man being withheld from necessary sanitizing agents, that’s pretty tragic as well.
Advocates are concerned that this bleak reality has reached the United States, where experts say one in four women and one in seven men face physical violence by a partner at some point in their lifetimes.
Fielding, Sarah. “In quarantine with an abuser: surge in domestic violence reports linked to coronavirus.” The Guardian 3 Apr. 2020: Online.
Statistics tell the whole story. While one in four women are likely to be the victims of an abusive relationship, one in seven men are just as likely. So, while women make up the majority of victims, for every two women victims, there is at least one man.
Of course, some may find that hard to believe. How could a big, strong man be abused by a “feeble” woman? But that’s because the ways a woman might try to control or belittle or isolate a man, they are different than what a man might do to a woman. A woman typically won’t use violence against her man, though even if she did, many men are cultured to never raise their hand against a woman, even in self-defense. Many men eschew violence and would never use it to assert themselves. So, assuming a man can always prevent abuse because he’s bigger and stronger totally misses the point of what abuse is all about. Abuse is abuse, regardless of gender.
The crux of my point is that, if you combine a controlling partner, a partner who actively tries to isolate and belittle, with an abuser who is also a hypochondriac, you end of with a cough fit chucking you out on the street—or sequestered in a single room, hoping for some water, not allowed to exit confinement.
I write this from my spare room. I am prohibited from leaving this room because on Tuesday and Wednesday I had a runny nose and the bridge felt so tender, like it had been punched. I had no fever, and I know for a fact that these are not symptoms of SARS-CoV-2, but still I have been ordered not to leave this room, except to use the facilities. If I want something to eat or drink, I must make a request, and be at the whim of the hypochondriac. I may not be out of this room when the hypochondriac is around. And, even if I wanted to leave, #CO2Fre is still at the dealership, so I couldn’t go anywhere even if I wanted.
Nothing is, per se, forcing me to stay here, to be sure. But when you’re told to do something in such a commanding tone, it’s not worth trying to fight your prison sentence. I want to leave my cell, but I am afraid of the consequences if I do without consent. So, here I lie, on this bed, no free chair in the room, wishing to be free but not having the savings to make it so.
And neither do the women and men in Ms. Fielding’s article. That’s the rub.
Only, it’s not.
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline will help. I posted this before but it bears repeating because this is such an important issue and needs to be published. Please, if you are in any danger, call or text the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. They will help.
The Domestic Abuse Hotline statement on SARS-CoV-2. They’re here to help. If you’re in trouble and afraid, please give them a call.
As for me, I was told I could get out of quarantine jail and retrieve #CO2Fre tomorrow. Then again, I was also told that yesterday…
Follow my socials!